This past weekend I was lucky enough to host another ‘Spark Up’ visionboard workshop in Bellingen. During which I was chatting to a friend about how my life has done a 180 of late. She asked me; ‘What was the turning point?’
This was a hard question and needed a little introspection to answer.
12 months ago my anxiety was rife. My depression was slowly lifting but my head space had a long way to go. I still couldn’t look in the mirror… didn’t love the person looking back at me.
Then an old staff member of mine, Jonno Howell, passed away very suddenly. He was young… full of life! One of those really special people who seem to make the most of every second. He was surrounded by people who just loved him to bits. He did stuff…. stuff that he loved… and it showed. In fact, it oozed out of every pore. He was inspiring and living a life I’d always hoped I’d have… to say I was a little jealous is an understatement. I questioned how his life could be that good. Why he got to travel… follow his dreams… be surrounded by people who backed him. He was in love with his life. Hell, I was in love with his life. And then… in a mere second, it was over.
Looking back… this was a HUGE turning point for me. Life is short… it’s too short to be sitting here hating myself.
So, I turned to others for the answers. I wanted to live a life like Jonno. I wanted to love my life… and myself. I wanted a purpose… and to be happy and loved. And I wanted to make up for the doubt I’d had about his authenticity at the time – which was really projected doubt about my own. I wasn’t living an authentic life… but I so desperately wanted to.
‘Someone please tell me what I am here for’… ’Universe: intervene… open doors for me and put me on the right path’. I waited… and waited… looked for signs… drove myself crazy with thoughts… ran… video taped my insights… ran… and ran.
While I ran I got ideas, found answers and gained clarity. Things slowly started to come together. But I was still feeling a real sense of something lacking. Direction, purpose… something.
Depression, for me, felt like a really disconnected, dark and lonely place. The main word I use to describe my life during this period is lost. I felt lost… I’d completely lost touch with myself, what was important to me and what made me happy. I spent time re-learning and re-connecting to ‘me’.
I started Think Beautiful… but I still couldn’t escape this feeling of needing more. I needed it to explode and be the next big thing. I needed someone to give me a wonderful opportunity from visiting the site (but I had no idea what I wanted this opportunity to be). I wanted confirmation I was on the right track. I wanted… something more.
Then, I realised… I actually didn’t need anything more. I had a wonderful life already. In fact, although my life was different in many respects, I had a Jonno life. A devoted and supportive husband, a beautiful dog who constantly reminded me to live in the moment, great friends and family, an awesome job… the list was endless. I was so not lacking. I’d only thought I was – and thoughts are just words.
With this realisation things shifted. I learned what made me tick… helping people realise their own potential and connect to themselves gave me great joy. It was what I did… what I had done all my life without realising it – it was ‘my thing’. Holy shit! I finally discovered my purpose! During this period I decided to pounce on any ideas that ‘felt right’. I noticed more and more people coming to me for advice. The more connected I was to me, the easier the decision making became.
I ran my first visionboard workshop in January, followed very quickly by a second and a third. I started to ‘back myself’… realising just how darn special and fantastic my life was – right here, right now. The feelings of lack dissipated and were replaced with fulfilment and peace. I had a new sense of ‘knowing’. Ideas flowed… intuition flowed… happiness flowed. I took chances… made myself vulnerable… I learnt… I grew…. I shared these lessons with the people around me. I spoke from the heart… sometimes in public. I became ‘authentic’. People inspired me and I inspired them. Life really started to come together.
Then doors started to open… except this time I wasn’t waiting for someone else to open them for me. Now I was listening carefully to ‘me’ and, if it felt right, I took the steps to make it happen. I proved to myself time and time again that I was capable of much more than I’d previously given myself credit. I had taken charge of my life and finally I was back in the drivers seat… and the road trip I am currently on is magic!
And there is more to come… this amazing life of mine has just begun. And I intend on living it to the max… just like Jonno did.
So, what was the turning point?
Without doubt it was that very moment I learned Jonno had passed. But since, there have been a number of moments or lessons that have lead me to this happy place.